suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
