I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
