i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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