According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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