Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
