I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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