She is in my trunk
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
