i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
