do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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