you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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