I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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