I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
