my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
