I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
