I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
