He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
be right there i have to get my cape
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
