he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
