some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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