Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
