If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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