3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
