oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I need to align my fucking chakras
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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