sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
