i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
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I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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