end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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