My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
