I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
