I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
