I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
