i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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