I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
