I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
