The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
