I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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