Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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