just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
