mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
