you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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