I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
