Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
