textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
