i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
