My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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