She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
