I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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