I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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