I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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