apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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