I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
