Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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