i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
