You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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