My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
