Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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