You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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