I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
