I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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