i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry my hands just texted you
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
